baby #3

What a roller coaster ride this has been. In early October I discovered that I was pregnant. This was a  big surprise. Nathan is 9 and Anna-Marie is 7. We were done. All baby toys and furniture had been given away. I was shocked but honestly pleasantly shocked.

I went through all the routine normal pregnancy stuff. Initial doctor's visits to confirm the pregnancy. Extreme all day sickness, fatigue, etc. Being that the last time I was pregnant was almost 8 years ago, some things in prenatal care have advanced. They now do this "early screening" to check for genetic defects. In hindsight I guess some might use this to base a decision to have an abortion. Because it is done within the first few weeks of pregnancy. I was just excited to see my little baby on the ultrasound machine. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine they would call me and say anything like "you have screened positive". But that is exactly what happened just a few days before Christmas. I was sitting on the floor playing with Anna-Marie and I get a call from my OB office. I was in shock, I didn't ask any questions. I just said OK OK, as they told me they would set up my appointment with the genetic counselor and would call me right back with that date. But they assured my it would be as soon as possible. After getting off the phone a hundred questions entered my mind. The first being "are you sure you got the right Michelle Wingertsahn? Could there be some mix  up here? They called back, my appointment would be after Christmas. I had to go through Christmas with this on my heart and mind. I needed strength that only the Lord could provide. I called the nurse back and asked a few questions. What did I test "positive" for. Was this seen on the ultrasound, because that tech said everything looked great. No, the reply was that this was a result of my blood work, but that was all she could say because it had to be read by a genetic counselor. Thus began my Internet study. I now know more about genetic and chromosomal defects and abnormalities and what blood work indicates, what ultrasounds indicate then I ever thought possible. This whole new world opened up. Not a world I wanted to be a part of, but it would become a world I would be spinning in for several weeks. At first I thought we would just keep all this to ourselves. Not really knowing what to tell people. However, the burden became to much to bear alone. We shared what little we understood and asked for prayer. I needed others to pray for me because sometimes you get to a place where you really don't know how or what to pray for yourself. I never prayed God don't give us a baby with abnormalities, but that if He did choose to that He would give us the strength to endure.

Finally the day came to meet with the genetic counselor at the High Risk office. I was so nervous. She told me the results of my blood work. Papp-a was 0.22. This is really really low. You really want this score to be around 1. 1 is perfect and anything too low or too high is not good. But the worst news you can get is that this is below 0.25 Thankfully, my hcg was 1.14 which is normal. So what does this all mean. I have a 1 out of 57 chance that my baby will have something called trisomy 18. I knew trisomy 21 was down syndrome and this is what I was prepared for. Trisomy 18 is so rare, and no baby with it lives, ever. If they make it to term. It's a death sentence. I felt like the floor was swirling underneath me. I came prepared with questions, so I tried to ask, I tried to write down the answers. They offered something called CVS that day, they would take a piece of the placenta and would know in a few days with almost 100% accuracy if the baby in fact had t18 or anything else. Papp-a is the hormone level of  your placenta, I knew this and because my score was so low the thought of them touching my placenta just didn't sit well with me. I said "no". but would consider amnio later.

The Doctor was great and very encouraging, Genetic Counselor was great and very encouraging. The sonographer.... she broke my heart. But in retrospect I'm glad she was completely honest with me. Upon the ultrasound I was encouraged to see that the baby was measuring on target. T18 babies do not measure on growth target, so I'm thinking this is good. She says "no, this means nothing this early, it's not until later on that they taper off." zap, there sinks my heart.

The next few weeks I wish I could say, I just trusted the Lord and life moved on. However, it just wasn't that simple. In addition to this heartbreak, there were other things going on in my personal life, that were literally "hell on earth'. Some days I cried all day long, only to get it together long enough to be presentable before the kids came home from school. I would lay on the sofa and watch them play or do homework. I was depressed. It was awful. We shared with our church and loved ones and so many people began to pray for us. I believe with all my heart that this prayer changed so many things for me. God encouraged me in so many amazing ways. Through songs, scripture, friends. Again, I just wanted to trust His will and cling to His promise to be with me. Through all that was going on.

On Tuesday, February 1st. I had amniocentesis. Yes, it was oddly painful, but worth it. That day the ultrasound looked really great, it was a girl. She was a week behind gestationaly but the Doctor says not to worry yet. So I won't. Amnio results came back and she is perfect. No chromosomal abnormalities. Now however, we must wait, we must wait to see that the placenta provides what she needs for the remainder of the pregnancy.

I know I am loved and I know many people say well meaning things. I know God has given me new insight and compassion for others through this. Some of us think that something we say or some advice we give is somehow going to change the outcome or save the day. The reality is, when going through something like this, we just need a shoulder to cry on, Someone to help carry the burden. No false hope, no refusal to look at the facts.

I thought the Lord moved us to SC this past summer for a new ministry opportunity. What I have discovered at this point is that He moved me her to be ministered to. The prayers of faithful friends has been overwhelming. This has been a dark time, but I can say I do believe God's greatest treasures are buried in those dark times, and we must go through them to discover the treasure.