baby #3

What a roller coaster ride this has been. In early October I discovered that I was pregnant. This was a  big surprise. Nathan is 9 and Anna-Marie is 7. We were done. All baby toys and furniture had been given away. I was shocked but honestly pleasantly shocked.

I went through all the routine normal pregnancy stuff. Initial doctor's visits to confirm the pregnancy. Extreme all day sickness, fatigue, etc. Being that the last time I was pregnant was almost 8 years ago, some things in prenatal care have advanced. They now do this "early screening" to check for genetic defects. In hindsight I guess some might use this to base a decision to have an abortion. Because it is done within the first few weeks of pregnancy. I was just excited to see my little baby on the ultrasound machine. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine they would call me and say anything like "you have screened positive". But that is exactly what happened just a few days before Christmas. I was sitting on the floor playing with Anna-Marie and I get a call from my OB office. I was in shock, I didn't ask any questions. I just said OK OK, as they told me they would set up my appointment with the genetic counselor and would call me right back with that date. But they assured my it would be as soon as possible. After getting off the phone a hundred questions entered my mind. The first being "are you sure you got the right Michelle Wingertsahn? Could there be some mix  up here? They called back, my appointment would be after Christmas. I had to go through Christmas with this on my heart and mind. I needed strength that only the Lord could provide. I called the nurse back and asked a few questions. What did I test "positive" for. Was this seen on the ultrasound, because that tech said everything looked great. No, the reply was that this was a result of my blood work, but that was all she could say because it had to be read by a genetic counselor. Thus began my Internet study. I now know more about genetic and chromosomal defects and abnormalities and what blood work indicates, what ultrasounds indicate then I ever thought possible. This whole new world opened up. Not a world I wanted to be a part of, but it would become a world I would be spinning in for several weeks. At first I thought we would just keep all this to ourselves. Not really knowing what to tell people. However, the burden became to much to bear alone. We shared what little we understood and asked for prayer. I needed others to pray for me because sometimes you get to a place where you really don't know how or what to pray for yourself. I never prayed God don't give us a baby with abnormalities, but that if He did choose to that He would give us the strength to endure.

Finally the day came to meet with the genetic counselor at the High Risk office. I was so nervous. She told me the results of my blood work. Papp-a was 0.22. This is really really low. You really want this score to be around 1. 1 is perfect and anything too low or too high is not good. But the worst news you can get is that this is below 0.25 Thankfully, my hcg was 1.14 which is normal. So what does this all mean. I have a 1 out of 57 chance that my baby will have something called trisomy 18. I knew trisomy 21 was down syndrome and this is what I was prepared for. Trisomy 18 is so rare, and no baby with it lives, ever. If they make it to term. It's a death sentence. I felt like the floor was swirling underneath me. I came prepared with questions, so I tried to ask, I tried to write down the answers. They offered something called CVS that day, they would take a piece of the placenta and would know in a few days with almost 100% accuracy if the baby in fact had t18 or anything else. Papp-a is the hormone level of  your placenta, I knew this and because my score was so low the thought of them touching my placenta just didn't sit well with me. I said "no". but would consider amnio later.

The Doctor was great and very encouraging, Genetic Counselor was great and very encouraging. The sonographer.... she broke my heart. But in retrospect I'm glad she was completely honest with me. Upon the ultrasound I was encouraged to see that the baby was measuring on target. T18 babies do not measure on growth target, so I'm thinking this is good. She says "no, this means nothing this early, it's not until later on that they taper off." zap, there sinks my heart.

The next few weeks I wish I could say, I just trusted the Lord and life moved on. However, it just wasn't that simple. In addition to this heartbreak, there were other things going on in my personal life, that were literally "hell on earth'. Some days I cried all day long, only to get it together long enough to be presentable before the kids came home from school. I would lay on the sofa and watch them play or do homework. I was depressed. It was awful. We shared with our church and loved ones and so many people began to pray for us. I believe with all my heart that this prayer changed so many things for me. God encouraged me in so many amazing ways. Through songs, scripture, friends. Again, I just wanted to trust His will and cling to His promise to be with me. Through all that was going on.

On Tuesday, February 1st. I had amniocentesis. Yes, it was oddly painful, but worth it. That day the ultrasound looked really great, it was a girl. She was a week behind gestationaly but the Doctor says not to worry yet. So I won't. Amnio results came back and she is perfect. No chromosomal abnormalities. Now however, we must wait, we must wait to see that the placenta provides what she needs for the remainder of the pregnancy.

I know I am loved and I know many people say well meaning things. I know God has given me new insight and compassion for others through this. Some of us think that something we say or some advice we give is somehow going to change the outcome or save the day. The reality is, when going through something like this, we just need a shoulder to cry on, Someone to help carry the burden. No false hope, no refusal to look at the facts.

I thought the Lord moved us to SC this past summer for a new ministry opportunity. What I have discovered at this point is that He moved me her to be ministered to. The prayers of faithful friends has been overwhelming. This has been a dark time, but I can say I do believe God's greatest treasures are buried in those dark times, and we must go through them to discover the treasure.

Scooter (Scootie) was such sweet little dog. But he just had no fears and wanted friends too badly. His adventures crossing the road would eventually lead to his death. Too bad it was sooner rather than latter. We now live on a very busy street and it was so hard to keep him from running away. He was hit by a car last Thursday night, while I knew it was a matter of time I still feel so guilty. I wish I had done more to protect him. He was only two, he still he had so many years left to bring us joy. While he was here in our home, he drove me crazy most days. Chewing up things he ought not be chewing up, having accidents when he hasn't had accidents in a long time. Constantly wanting to go outside or to be given a treat, and I mean constantly. He was so completely obsessed with Michael, we had to get Michael on the phone with him if it was too late at night and Michael wasn't home, he just couldn't settle down if he didn't know where his master was. If Michael was out of town he would bark all night long, but other wise he slept like a baby. Traveled so well, you never heard a peep out of him. He was a "shuzu" as I call him, cause I just can't bring myself to say a cuss word, dog name or not. We got him when he was just a few months old. Anybody that met him instantly fell in love with him. He was just that sweet and cute.
We each shared some of our funny memories of Scooter. Anna-Marie talked about him walking around with his bowl in his mouth if he was out of water and wanted more. (such a smart dog). Nathan said that Scooter snuggled with him after school the day some kids made fun of his last name. Michael, whom I really believe is the saddest, talked about the time Scooter ran down the road (in our old neighborhood) only to return a little later with a big piece of bread hanging from his mouth. He would sit in the office with Michael while he studied.
I know God is in control of every aspect of our lives and I know that this has been sad for our family. I also realize this is small in comparison to the hurt and suffering that others are facing even today. I thought about how perfect God is, how amazingly wonderful. Life and death are very natural. Of course as people we have the opportunity to live eternally if we have put our faith and trust in Jesus Christ. But this experience of death, its so different. Anna-Marie commented "Mama, I've never felt this way before". True she has never really experienced the pain of true loss. Really losing something ( a live thing) that you really love. I know Scooter is a dog and so this in no way compares to losing a person, but I believe God gives us this experience of death with our animals to prepare us for the day that we do lose someone we love. When you lose someone you love, you feel like you are literally going to die from the pain.
While I hate to see my children sad, I know that this will in a small way prepare them for life. Because it is appointed for each person to die. This reminds me to get busy making sure people don't die without Jesus!

Just can't believe how time flies. School is out and we are already half way through the summer. I just love being a mom who gets to stay home with the kids during the summer. God blessed us with a wonderful week long trip to Orlando. What a blast!!

My mind keeps wandering back to the days when my kids were little. Maybe it's because my sister just had her second son, but I really long for the baby days again.

I'm falling more and more in love with my husband every day. I just love that man. He brings such a joy and peace to my life.

I'm just wondering what really is God's plan for me. Is there something I'm supposed to be doing that I'm not? am I doing it in the right spirit? Do I love Him enough? Do I demonstrate it like I should? Some serious doubting going on in my heart, and I pray that it will ultimately bring me closer to my Jesus.

SICK DAYS

I can't remember a time when I have been so sick as this past week. I was pretty sick with a virus when I was pregnant with Anna-Marie, even went into labor. Obviously all ended well. But this week, my lands. The kids started us of f by both having strep throat and fevers for a few days. They bounce back the day after they start antibiotics, Anna-Marie was bouncing around that afternoon. ME ~ four days later and I am still lying in bed. I have strep and I think maybe the flu. To make matters better I was up this morning with a cold sore (bad too) all the way to the chin. I have two ulcers in my mouth and now I think I might have pink eye. I'm no Doctor but wasn't the antibiotics supposed to help? If you know Michael very well you know he is a germaphobic. He's done very well trying to help, but he keeps his distance. Finally today he kissed me on the cheek and gave me a big hug. Trying to take care of sick kids while sick is NOT fun. Michael did take the kids away for the day yesterday. I watched TV. The reality show about the family with like 19 kids. The Duggar's I think. Really sweet. I enjoyed watching how their family functions. Got some good ideas. I've been able to read my Bible more. I love the Old Testament stories. I read and reread the story of Moses leading the Israelites out of captivity. Such parallels to my personal life. With His Mighty Hand God Brought Me Out of My Own Personal Egypt. Egypt represents bondage. While God has saved me from the ultimate bondage of sin. Hell has no hold on me and I am Heaven bound. However, I allow myself to be held to different "bondage's" everyday by the sins I allow or by not even being aware but still I let them in because I'm not on guard. Oh my bondage list is pretty long when I pour them out before the Lord. But, just like that pillar of cloud by day and fire by night, Jesus is ALWAYS there for me. Leading and guiding in the right direction. Patiently waiting for me to simply look up to Him for daily direction and guidance. Praise God for the Bible.

In addition to the things I've learned this week, Apparently NyQuil is personality altering for me. Yeah! apparently just getting the kids away so I could rest is not the only reason Michael took them and stayed gone for the afternoon. I do feel kinda bad about that. However, I was really beginning to think that I had picked up and mastered some foreign language. Because the kids didn't seem to either hear or understand a thing I was saying. Thankfully we've gotten that all straightend out now and we are all speaking English around here. I do love them but some days we must all admit we love to see them go to bed. It's been a rough week. I can't remember ever in my life missing four consecutive days of work. I love my job. I miss my students so much. I have one of the most rewarding jobs in the world, aside from stay at home moms. (which I did for five years)!! I do have the joy of teaching my own son and look forward to being Anna-Marie's teacher next year. I'm blessed really really blessed, unbelievably blessed. Apparently Michael has a vision problem. He came to me earlier and told me how absolutely beautiful I was. I mean really I wouldn't post a picture of myself right now because it would probably scare someone and make small children cry. I've been in PJ's for days, no make-up, cold sore running down my chin, one eye is bigger then the other. Love is blind. I'm so glad. I love him too.

A NEW YEAR!!

Well it is a "New Year" in so many ways. I am so thankful for a new year, for God's Grace. He brings newness to my life everyday. As I reflect back on 2009 I certainly can't complain. We continue to serve the Lord at our wonderful little church. I continue to love my husband. I enjoy hearing him teach our Sunday School class and his sermons from the pulpit. I really love his style of teaching. I think sometimes I take for granite just how smart he is. I LOVE being a mommy and all the joys and trials these new years bring. Six and eight. WOW! Can't believe my babies are six and eight. This year they will turn seven and nine. WOW!!! Anna-Marie's vision "discovery" has been truly a mixed blessing. While I am So thankful that we have discovered her perception problem and thankful we have a great doctor helping her. I still question and I still worry. Is this enough? Is this all, could there be any more problems? Did we miss any major developmental things? AHH sometimes it makes me sick as I ponder all my worries concerning her. Jesus gently reminds me of how much he is in control and how important she is to Him. What comfort this brings, still I must shamefully admit, I continue to worry. I am related to the Israelites after all. Anna-Marie continues to march to her own beat. She is an indescribable joy to Michael and I. Her wit is something very few people could ever match.

Nathan while sweet as pumpkin pie will incredibly impress me one moment and scare me to death the next. He taught himself how to multiply. Really impressive stuff. I'm his teacher and I haven't taught him this. And all this time I thought he needed me. He just up and decided to figure it out. Which tells me he is capable of understanding more then he lets on sometimes. He tends to be a follower and of course I get concerned. (would he follow someone off of a cliff?!?) Surely not. He does love Jesus. I catch him reading his Bible. Can not express how that blesses my heart. He sets up "work stations" just like his daddy. Books, commentaries, Bibles, highlighters; "studying' Just like his Dad. Boy do Michael and I fret over how much our children want to be like us.

When Anna-Marie is sassy and pouty I have to admit, that's ME
When Nathan is strong willed and stubborn Michael must admit that's ME

Weekly trips to Marietta has not been fun. I try to see the flip side. I mean really the HOV lane is from the Lord. Anna-Marie and I zip right through 75 thanks to the HOV lane. And our weekly Chick-fil-a is certainly nothing to complain about.

My desire to know Christ more intimately and to be more sensitive to the Spirit is always there. Have I always obeyed and listened? Most positively not. However, I truly desire to know Him more, to experience Him in a deeper level. I have to ask myself where my love is? As I reflect back on 2009 and how gracious and loving Jesus is to me, I'm convicted. I want to Love Him more this year than ever before. I want to impact someone else's life for the Kingdom. I love Jesus and I desire that everyone around me know that. Most importantly my family. Those that have to deal with me day in and day out. This year this is my hope:

May I be a light for them that reflects Jesus. May I be a love for them that resembles the embrace of Christ. May I be a source of strength and peace that draws them closer to the ultimate source of Life ~ Jesus

I have no doubts it's going to be a great year. Jesus is Lord. My hubby is a Godly man. Both of my children love the Lord. Jesus is in control, no matter what obstacles might come our way, we will choose to see these as opportunities. Opportunities to grow, to shine for Jesus, or to be molded more into His Image. Lottie Moon once said that if Jesus allowed trials to come into our lives then we must need them. She went so far as to basically say "bring them on". Knowing hardships push us closer to Christ. Lottie is a rare breed and if I could muster up half her faith; well I can't even imagine that, but I do praise the Lord that I get to read about and know about these awesome pioneers of the faith. I'm challenged by her and by Michael. It's a wonderful thing to say that you are challenged to grow closer to the Lord because of the awesome example that is set for you by your husband. I do realize how very blessed I am in this. "My cup runneth over". In my lifetime I've been able to know and be loved by two of the Godliest men. My Grandfather James Ray and then my hubby Michael. When my burdens sometimes seem to heavy to bear I remind myself how good God has been to me.

Hope that everyone reminds themselves how good God has been to them.

I can't believe it's been two months since I've written anything on my blog. Wow, time flies. We had a fabulous trip to Disney World. We can't stop talking about how much fun we had. It was only made possible because of my Mom. Early Christmas gift. It truly was constant fun. The kids were just the perfect age. They were tall enough to ride everything and just old enough to be thrilled by everything we did. Of course, I still haven't downloaded our pictures. Crazy digital cameras (worse thing that ever happened to me). Of course my kids always have funny quotes that I hope to keep with me forever because they make me smile.

Nathan~ as we are leaving Splash Mountain says "those things really should have seat belts". Mr. Cautious

Anna-Marie ~ as we are preparing to get on splash mountain I'm explaining that we will get wet, she looks up at me with a serious look "is the water clean?" Mrs. Cautious

Now we are all back to reality, work work work work work and then just for a little splash of something different we add in a little more work.

Really LIFE IS GOOD.

As we traveled to school this morning we always take this really twisty road. The kids love it, as they rock all around the van exaggerating every turn. We finally get off and Anna-Marie asks "Did they make that road just for kids" .

Of course they did!!!

Oh how thankful I am to the Lord for simple pleasures.

CHILDREN

Sometimes my children absolutely make my heart sing.


While Anna-Marie has been a tremendous trooper about all this vision therapy.

~hour sessions every day

~weekly trips to Atlanta

Nathan - well Nathan is another story. We've noticed lately that he is jealous of all the attention she has been getting. Michael especially has really been trying to take up a lot of time with him. Not to long ago we signed him up for Karate, so we've been trying to make a real big deal out of that for him. But the bottom line is jealousy is a sin. Sin must be dealt with. We have to take it off (or better said) let Jesus take it off, and then we must let Jesus replace it with His righteousness. We prayed with Nathan and confronted him about his sin. He handled it very well. Like any good southern baptist he said "we'll I have been jealous three times"

Three times ?!!? (more like three times one hundred)

But at least he is acknowledging his sin. I read somewhere recently that when a heart is filled with gratitude it has no room for envy. So Michael and I decided each night to have Nathan list out several things he is thankful for and to thank God in prayer. Two things stick out in my mind tonight that he was thankful for. Our neighbors, when I asked him why "they are nice" he simply says ~ watch out neighbors, children notice when you are nice and they will make mention of you in their prayers. (that's pretty convicting stuff). Also, he was thankful for my brother; his uncle James. Why ~ "because he is in the army". We are so thankful to have someone as wonderful as my brother protecting our country. Sweet boy there is hope yet. I call all these type of things growing pains. Children must grow up it is inevitable, and sometimes unfortunately it is a little bit painful. God is good and works it all out as part of his perfect plan.

Today Anna-Marie and I went to an arts and crafts festival with some friends. When we sat down to eat lunch she spoke up and told me that she overhead two women talking and one of them had a sick daughter. She wanted us to pray for her. My heart overflowed. She is my little prayer warrior. Anna-Marie has the prayer life of an age old saint. She believes in prayer and takes EVERYTHING to God in prayer. I was so touched that she desires to pray for the needs of others and not just her personal wants and wishes. She reminded us again at dinner to pray for this sick girl. We will never know who they are and they will never know how we lifted them up in prayer (at least not this side of heaven). God knows! ~ I am so thankful that he has given my daughter a heart for Him and a heart for prayer.

Yes indeed my children make my heart sing.

Anna-Marie during home vision therapy (so cute!!!!!)

Nathan our karate chopping ninja.

what a man!!!!!